george brooke guinan

03:31 pm: waves
Sometimes I get hit by this wave of emotions.  Its not like I can explain exactly what its like.  Sometimes it lasts for a second or two and other times it goes on for minutes at a time.  It happens and I lose the ability to be coherent.  I no longer can form complete sentences.  It is very similar to when I'm shocked by some emotional trauma in real life.  Much like how I felt when I first tried to explain my gender troubles or when my first boyfriend broke up with me.  In those times it is like I lose the ability to speak because my mouth and my mind cannot keep up with the range of emotions that run through me.  The constantly changing emotions running through my body are too much to get out.  I described it once as the feeling that my body was not large enough to contain the emotional energy running through me.  It was as if i felt i would burst open from every pore of my body if i did not find some release.  This is what led to my only hospitalization in college when my resident assistant decided I was a danger to myself for wanting the feeling to stop.  That specific time the range of emotions was expanded and uninhibited due to the amount of liquor consumed at homecoming but none the less it was still very similar to the usual.  These instances are not rare either.  They occur very frequently in fact.  I would say that I don't go more than a couple of days without experiencing this rush of uncontrollable and unmanageable emotion.  I don't even know what to call it.  "A rush of emotion" seems like it doesn't accurately describe what it really is.  Having just experienced one of these episodes I thought that I would just write it down.  Trying to write down exactly what it felt like would require punctuation and form and coherent thought to be taken away.  It would require me to be able to let go of all of my censorship and to just write.  The closest thing to it that I can think of is something that Jean Halley had us do in college.  The free write.  But even then I don't think that I would be able to let go of my consciousness and not censor what I was thinking.  Anyway I think that's really all I can do to explain what was going on in my head.  Like anything going on in my head is ever explainable. 

09:51 pm: Irrational me

So I sit here wondering why I do this to myself. Why I must always question every good thing that comes my way and I wonder if they leave me because of their own devised or I I scare then away with my irrational sense of fear. No matter how hard I try, unless he is with me, I always feel like he is going to leave me. Like I have already seen him fir the last time and I just didn't know it at that moment. Like he will never look at me in a longing way again. Like I will never again feel the slightly raised veins onthe back of his hand as we intertwine together. I think this an I just can't imagine facing the next day. When I talk to him I wonder if when he says my name it sounds as distant as I imagine it. When we say goodbye I want I cry immidiately for the fear that he no longer wants to be with me. The first man I have actually wanted to give myself to because he waited for me to be ready. The first guy to really date me and meet by family. The first guy I actually felt like cared about me more ten just for a satisfaction of some physical need and I can't let myself enjoy this. It really sucks and I wish that I wasn't living in fear of him realizing my flaws and my insectriries or simply growing bored of me and my less than stunning offerings. My irrational brain is getting on my nerves and I just wish for once that I believed happily ever after was really as easy as it sounds!

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10:55 pm: and just when ya thought it doesn't get harder
The more I think about it the more I really think if I had been born a girl I would be happy...Er LOL. But it also makes it more hurtful that I am stuck here. I feel like every inch of my body I betraying me and I'm living a lie. I feel like the longer it goes on the harder it gets and the more I just feel broken. I don't know what to do. Arggg! There are no words to express the feelings I have or at least none that I know of. I'm so over this! At what part does life get better or at least feel mine.

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08:02 pm: Things I'll Never Have
That curve in your hips that sway when you walk and lead the way as if to say a goddess is coming through
Hands that are smooth and hairless that make a man melt when they caress his face,
And the way it makes you feel to have his rough stubble in contrast with the silky skin of your fingers
Hair that falls as if cascading down the side of a waterfall framing your face in all of its glory
Eyes that hold the emotions of a woman's life through love and loss and self discovery

The feeling you get when pulling on a pair of jeans that fit like a second skin
Only to know that no man will see you how you appear in your mind
The way it feels to be in a group of women laughing and sharing stories
Knowing full well that you'll never be just one of the girls
Laying in bed with the lights off in a pair of underwear that makes you feel feminine posing beneath the sheets
And thinking how ridiculous it would be if the lights were to reveal your lie

Looking into the eyes of your lover as he enters you and you cling to him for safety and comfort
His hands sliding along your side over your thighs and waist and up towards your chest
Gliding effortlessly over your skin smooth as water and free of coarse hairs
The wonder of standing in a crowd while music plays and you move as if conducting the songs with your curves
As natural as the wind conducts the symphony of the night

The knowledge that the eyes darting to you as you enter a room are not a result of your stunning beauty
But are the questioning and condescending stares of revulsion and pity
The way it feels to stand in a group of men wanting with every fiber of your being for them to simply see you as they see her
And then settling for the acceptance they provide you with as they justify your manhood by accepting your flawed romantic desires

The confusion of sitting in front of a screen typing out words to convey your sorrow for the life you will never have
And the life you continue to struggle to make work as you feel ripped apart inside
Without a clue as to how you might heal the wounds which seem to have been the origin of your life

05:21 pm: Don't Hate the Playa Hate the Game
So Here's the deal... I guess I should clarify exactly what I'm doing here.  I am going to attempt to make this some kind of catharsis to get my head right about all the stuff specifically sex, gender, sexuality related.  Some stuff is just general I guess but in my life it all sort of ties back to the holy trinity (sex, gender, and sexuality) at some point.  Now for some people thats not such a big deal I guess, and for many people who know me I doubt they have any clue that I worry as much about these things as I do because I am such a flamingly outrageous faggot that it is impossible to fathom me not having my own personal pride flag waving at all times.  And I'm pretty good with people thinking this but as it goes its not that simple... as it ever is. 
     I have been accused by more than one person of harboring some kind of self resentment for my "circumstance."  While I don't necessarily like the idea that I am the cause of my own anxieties and unhappiness, at some point you have to give way to the notion that that may in fact be the case; especially when you make countless changes to your life and put yourself in' an almost constant state of flux in regard to location, jobs, and all the other things that make up your life.  In the end it seems that I am the only real constant and I, in turn, am most likely the real problem.  So if I am getting in my own way then there has to be something that can be done to get me and all of my personalities walking hand in hand in one direction. 
     Here are the facts...
         1. I have debated the whole what would happen if I were not here scenario... hence my brief trip to the ER senior year when I got drunk and scared a friend.  I know that people would miss me and I know that it is such a cop out to even think it but I guess my frustration and pain gets the best of me every now and then. 
         2. How am I supposed to get all of my personalities in a row when they seem to multiply, divide, disappear, and change at every turn.  Maybe it is a case of over analysis but I just never seem to come to a point where I can agree upon a course of action.  Do I want to transition?... if so, now, later, when? Do I want to be a gay man?  Who the hell knows because I can't seem to make up my mind, and how do you choose between multiple lifestyles when really I'm not sure if any of them are what I really want. 
         3. At the age of 21 I seem to have a career and lifestyle all picked out... People have complimented me on how together I am.  That's all and well but what if all of the choices I'm making in my life are leading me away from a goal which would make me happy and content with my life.  What if I am unintentionally or intentionally moving away from a life that I want because I am utterly petrified of the obstacles or outcomes of what that really means.  Can I really hate myself that much?
Well, These are just some of the things I'm aiming to address here.  Hopefully with any luck I won't get to defeated or scared to keep this up and figure some stuff out.